A new neverland: the floating world

As I study for my last semester of finals, I find myself looking back on the past year and wondering: Where the hell did it go? It felt just like yesterday I was moving into the dorms on campus and now, here I am, about to graduate in less than 48 hours.  As I look back at the past and towards my future, I find myself asking: What now? Where do I go from here? During my whole educational life I was always pushed to move on to bigger and better things.  As children we go to elementary school to get ready for middle school, which then prepares us for high school and then college and then the real world.

But am I ready for that? I find myself saying the Peter Pan line of “I don’t want to grow up, I want to be young forever”, but in reality I know that I need to get over that.  In a sense, I’m floating between to worlds.  On one side I have my life that I am leaving that I have been apart of for so long.  A life that consisted of goofing off, partying, spending countless times (and money) at the bars with friends and going to countless hours and hours of school.  On the other side I have the other life that I am moving towards.  A life that is full of hopes and dreams that I cannot see yet.  A life that draws me to it, but at the same time frightens me just a little. 

During this past semester I had the pleasure of being in an English class that taught me about the floating world.  Truthfully, I didn’t really know that a floating world existed until I started to learn about it.  Strangely I found that, I, myself, am apart of this floating world.  Through books and novels that were read throughout the course, I became more aware of what it meant and how one can survive and live in it. 

One of the novels that I was drawn to was written by Bessie Head called A Question of Power.  During the novel, we find that our main character Elizabeth is dealing with inner demons.  Constantly throughout the novel she is on the brink of the real world and insanity; making her transaction from an old world to a new world.  Seeing people that are non-existent and communicating with them happens on a regular basis and ends up pushing people away from her.  Yet the demons that possess her are not there to hurt her, instead they are there trying to help make her a better person.   Her subconscious took over and forced her to come to reality of what she needed to change.  In order to change, she had to face her demons and anger that she had inside herself.  In the end of the novel she becomes peaceful and has finally landed on a new world.  “May I never contribute to creating dead worlds, only new worlds” (100.)

Bessie Head was able to show people that when transitioning to a “new world” or a “new self” it can be difficult.  You have to be able to let go of the things that you once did or had power over and start over.  Looking back at the past helps us learn what we did wrong and makes us realize what we need to change.  Her narrative, even though hard to follow at times, showed her readers the intensity of what was happening to this woman.  She was able to express the emotions and turmoil that she was going through by making the narrative scattered and keeping her readers on their toes. 

Another author that I came to enjoy was Bharati Mukherjee.  In her novel Jasmine she tells a story of a young woman who came from the Middle East and is now living in America.  Throughout the novel, the main character goes through multiple name changes and “selves” and tells her story in a non-linear manor.  Jumping from present to past, Jasmine is faced with many challenges that make her become a different person each time.  Whenever she moves she is given a new name by the person who she is with.  Each name not only cares a different lifestyle, but a different person as well.  Finally in the end of the novel she finds what name/life really fits her best.

Mukherjee keeps her readers on their toes by narrating the novel in a non-linear manor.  Instead of telling it like a regular story (with a beginning, middle and end), she tells it somewhat backwards, forwards and sideways.  The novel starts off in the present and bounces back and forth from the past to the present; showing the reader that life itself is not linear, it has loops and turns.  Mukherjee also shows her readers about how people cope after being transformed into a new person, into a new world.  She shows that a new name can bring a new person into play.  We might not be a completely new person, but that name change changes how we act and how we are around people. 

Looking at these two authors I feel that I have a better understanding of the floating world.  I have seen myself transform into a different person during each chapter of my life; whether it be moving to another place or moving on to another relationship.  The way I act and my mannerisms turn almost a complete 180 whenever I re-enter a new chapter, a new life. I have had to deal with demons some point in my life in order to change who I was for the better.  I had to analyze myself and make myself come to reality about what I was doing wrong and what was not acceptable of me anymore.

As I look at where I am now, I can honestly say that I am apart of the floating world.  I have not yet been able to let go of the college setting, of my college life. Yet I know that I am not yet ready to move on to the real world.  Apart of me wants to stay, but I know that I cannot.  So here I am, floating, in between two worlds, two different lifestyles just waiting for my transformation to occur.  I know that I will have to face my demons and change apart of who I am.  In the next couple of months it will be unacceptable of me to go out to a bar to socialize with friends four nights out of the week.  No, instead I need to be responsible and grow up.

My Peter Pan syndrome has taken me to a new level.  A level that is filled with unanswered questions and fear for the future.  A level that has me wanting to stay young, but knows that I need to grow up.  A level that is making me realize who I need to become and what I need to do to get there.  A level that is not quite “Neverland”, but instead called the floating world.